...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me

Apparently Mitch Hedberg died yesterday. Hopefully that is just some bad April Fool's Day joke. For those who have yet to experience him here is some of his material, in highly inferior written form.

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch, do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

I played golf...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying......you're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

And finally: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

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So there you have it. Dude has 2 cds out and if he isn't around anymore those are solid gold and everone should check them out.

Peace.